i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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