I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
