No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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