His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
