i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He passed out mid-signature
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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