Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
