She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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