When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Success! We fucked roommates!
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
