Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
