you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize