He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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