Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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