You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
