I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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