i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
