I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dicks are not precious.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
