Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
