She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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