I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
