haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Randomize
