either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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