so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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