I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
