I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
