Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
