I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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