seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
