kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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