The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
