Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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