oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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