woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
