a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
