you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
