I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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