I'm so fucking centered right now
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
