...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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