there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
