There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
