be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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