saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
