i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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