Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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