Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
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I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
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I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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