So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
