Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
