I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
