so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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