My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
