Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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