I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
