genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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