I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
