My cat gives me a boner
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
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i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
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Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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