Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
