Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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